I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
