It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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