just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
do nipples grow back?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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