i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
