You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
