So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
