I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
