It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize
