i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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