you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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