Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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