The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Never let your siblings swipe right.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
