don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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