It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
