Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
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Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
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She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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