the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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