Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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