I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
