i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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