Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
