Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
