i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
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If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
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Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision