i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating