He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
