We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.