weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops