perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
