Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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