youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
