I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
