I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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