The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
