Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
