I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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