doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
