____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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