clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
