haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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