I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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