And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
