I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
