mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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