I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
this is an emotional support booty call
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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