i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Randomize
