i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Randomize
