so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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