Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
