could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
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