she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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