Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
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