i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
