So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
