I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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