I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
