I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
