the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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