I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Randomize
