she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
