I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Randomize
