So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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