Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
