if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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