No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
