i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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