On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
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