she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
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