the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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